Hello Pa…

It has been a year since I said goodbye. I still feel enormous guilt for not being there for you when I should have been. I am not sure if I’ll ever forgive myself, maybe one day, I will. 

Even though you aren’t here to see it all with your own eyes, I want you to know that your soul impacts it all every day. When I’m living out my passions, seeing new parts of the world and staying up late by myself, I think of you. I don’t know what it is I think of when these thoughts appear, but I only think of you. 

I think of how you were with me when I was young, How you made an effort to visit your daughter and me. Bought a whole fried chicken for me to eat and introduced me to frog legs, when I was a kid. You never lay your hands on me when I was a juvenile, causing so many problems to the family. You are the most patient man I ever met, despite mum’s mild autism condition, you persevered. 

For the past one year, I still find it hard to look at photographs of you without feeling overwhelmed by sadness. Your absence, a missing piece, forever lost and irreplaceable for all of us. All that remains to us are memories.

It only seems right to break open the box of memories today that I hope it will help me heal the grief in my heart. There isn’t a day that passes when I don’t think about you or wish you were still here. Even your grandchildren miss you.

Every day passes, I hope that monochrome memories will breathe life in a sea of colour. The last time I saw you. You laid lifeless. I held your hand and kissed you. Tears streamed down my face. Everyone walked away in disbelief that you were gone. 

Yes, Life goes on, but, to me, this is the saddest part. The thing is, for the past one year I thought grief was an intense sadness that I could push through and get past. I was wrong. I didn’t know how to grieve. Somehow It changes its form, sometimes it is calm and soothing, other times can be rough, a feeling of drowning in tears. 

It’s true how we don’t see the value in something until it becomes a memory. I am worried that my memories of you will fade because I couldn’t accept the loss, I have realised that what we have we can never lose. 

Those times become a part of us, forever ingrained into our hearts. I am thankful for the wonderful man who loves my mum unconditionally that you watch over. I am thankful for the sister I have that you protect and love so much. 

Even though you were taken from this world too early and unexpectedly, you have never left my side, and I think of you often. You have made me who I am today. As much as I would like to turn back time, I can’t. 

Life goes on and the hands of time can only move forward. I feel privileged to hold pocketfuls of happy memories of you. And hopefully, so I find myself looking at pictures of you, not with sadness, but with happy tears in my eyes. 

We miss you so much.

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